Let's start at the very beginning

... a very good place to start.

I suppose the beginning of this story dates back to when I moved to New York this past June. My new job was challenging and awesome in its own way, but there was one glaring hole in my life - friends. When I first started out, it was not a social office. My days consisted of coming to work, drinking unholy amounts of caffeine, putting in my earbuds, and listening to my iPod all day while building LTV models in Excel. I could, quite literally, go an entire day without uttering a word. I tried it on one rainy Tuesday - not only did I succeed, but I was weirdly amused by it. I'm pretty sure that was a huge red flag signaling I was starved for some form of human interaction.

So to fix my nonexistent dating and social life (and after suffering through thousands of their commercials on Hulu), I caved. I signed up for match.com. Here's the blurb I wrote about myself:

Online dating? I thought that was only for creeps and old people. Since I already signed myself up for six months of this, I'm hoping to be proven wrong.

I just moved to the big city for a job in SoHo. While I consider myself to be personable, I'm finding it rather hard to meet people in a place as overwhelming as New York. So here I am.

As I am originally from Minnesota, I'm looking to spend time with someone who shares the same values. I don't mean "values" in the political, Sarah Palin "real America" sense; I mean that I don't think expensive clothing, an apartment address, or an annual salary should define your view of yourself or others. For me, ambition, education, and common sense are much more important.

There is nothing sexier than a good writer. Seriously. "U" is not a substitute for "you" and there, their, and they're actually mean three different things. I hold a special place in my heart for the oxford comma. Good grammar is hot.

I'm sure everyone writes this, but it's true: I love to travel. I lived in Munich for awhile and enjoy anything and everything German. I've gone to Europe nearly every year for the last five years, and nothing makes me happier than a slow train, a good book, and the European countryside whipping by outside the window.

If anything I've written has piqued your interest in the slightest, feel free to get in touch!

Surprisingly, there are quite a few well-educated, employed, darn good lookin' men on there. Awesome. A few of them have already gotten in touch with me. Double awesome. However, one fun side effect is that I also get emails from guys like this:

From: nuggets77**

Stats: 19 years old, high school dropout, standing at a napoleonic 5 ft. 6 in tall, whose profile is littered with shirtless mirror pics and backwards hats

hey how are you cutie do u have a cell :)).... ill tell u about me im kinda tall i have a nice build to myself i think youll like lol33.......i love buying and seling dirtbikes and 4 wheelers to make money...for my hobby i like to race them lol...i have a sister shes 20 and she goes to college... i currently work for my dad doing garage doors he owns his own buisness which is cool..im looking to open up my own buisness small engine repair shop which would be cool lol i think ...ya and i just took a test for high school which i hope i past global regents hopefully i did umm im not still in highschool just need that one test lol yupp......soo ya i wear all different types of clothes aeropostale to hollister lol yaa. ya i think your very cute soo when u get this message just smile that would make me happy hahah

... not exactly a promising beginning. My second night started off equally as bad, when I had one (very short) conversation that went like this:

Jerseyboy: hey! I came across ur profile and just wanted to say hi ;) what ru up to?

Schneids1744: oh nothing.... just having a beer and watching the Office. Wow, I sound like a dude.

Jerseyboy: i'm not rly a beer guy

Schneids1744: really? hm. that's surprising.

Jerseyboy: yeah... too many carbs

Jerseyboy: wow.. i sound like a girl

Schneids1744: yes, yes you do.

**end of conversation**

The first few days were a mixed bag of messages from old men looking for a fling, young guys looking to lose their virginity, and fat dudes thinking I might be desperate enough to give them a shot. At this point, I'd just about had it. After my second glass of wine for the evening, I had a thought - if I have to suffer through this bullshit, you should have to also.

And thus the project was born. During the entire six months of my match.com membership, I would continue to contact people that interest me, but I also vowed to meet every person who contacted me.

Every.... single.... one.

This includes the napoleonic, grammar-challenged dropout and "JerseyBoy", the juiced-up Guido wearing more hair gel than should be legal. And then I'd write about it. Since I knew my parents would freak out at the prospect of me meeting with strangers all over Manhattan, I drew up a few rules.

The Rules:

1. If you wink at me, I will wink back. If you email me, I will email you back. For every action on your part, I will respond in kind.

2. However, I will be myself through any and all interactions. I will not pretend to be ditzy, uneducated, or to care about science fiction movies just for the sake of a date.

3. I will email my sister before all new dates with the place, time, and screen name of the guy I'm meeting. If I do end up getting chopped up into little bite-size pieces, at least you'll know where to start looking.

As of now I am about two months into my match membership and felt the time was ripe to share my trainwrecks, heartaches, and silly moments with the world.

Enjoy.